The Impending Zombie Apocalypse

June 23rd, 2010

This morning I scraped out the last of the peanut butter and flashed on the weepy post-apocalyptic mom doing the same in “The Day After.” And then it dawned on me that I start each day preparing for the impending zombie apocalypse.

It’s possible I am being overly dramatic. The zombie apocalypse is not necessarily impending, merely inevitable. Inevitable  because there are so many ways to raise the dead: Radiation. Alien invasion. Voodoo. Virus. (FYI: Not the Rage Virus, which just makes living people really pissed off, but a bug that is carried in zombie spit and kills you, after which you become a zombie.) And, of course, overcrowding, for “when there’s no more room in Hell… the Dead will walk the earth!” No matter how we get there, all roads lead to Zombieland.

Plan 9 from Outer Space

Conspiracy theorists proposed that “E.T.” and “Close Encounters” were released to ease the public into the knowledge that aliens are among us. In “Buckaroo Banzai” we learn that “The War of the Worlds” was in fact an actual news broadcast, then Welles was brainwashed into thinking it was fiction. As it was for impish aliens, so it is for brain-munching zombies. Consider all the George Romero flicks. Also “Fido” and “Zombieland.” And Phyllis Diller. The dead walk among us… but the prepared will survive.

Recognizing this too are the creators of ZombieFit, parkour practitioners advancing this obstacle course free running/urban steeplechase as the best defense when Zed is closing in. According to their website:

What if you woke up tomorrow to find your city overridden with zombies, would you survive? … The keys to surviving Z-day are simple: Be able to lift and throw heavy things, run fast and for long distances, and be able to navigate obstacles and urban environments in an efficient manner.


ZombieFit is not yet available in California. So how do I prepare each morning for the lumbering (or sprinting, if you prefer) zombie horde? Remember Rule # 1 in Zombieland? Cardio. So I hit the gym. Spin like a crazed hamster. Pump ze iron. I don’t need bulging biceps to tap out this blog; I’m preparing to smash a zombie’s skull, then run like a mutha.

What is it about zombies that makes me prepare for their onslaught when I live in California and don’t have an earthquake kit? Is it the chill at death’s slow advance? Like Hamlet do I fear not death, but that death may not be the end, that there is no rest? Or is it metaphorical, dreading a half-life, or a life half lived?

When I was a child I dreamt of Disneyland nearly every night. As an adult, it’s zombies. My most recent dream was revelatory. I was sitting in the passenger seat of a parked car, the window rolled down, when suddenly a zombie’s face appeared next to mine. I was armed with a handgun, and pressed it to the zombie’s forehead. I tried to squeeze, but nothing happened. I lacked the strength to pull the trigger. (Note the author’s use of italics for emphasis and to point out the depth of this double entendre.) I screamed and the zombie’s own face contorted, seeming to mock me. I was looking at my own reflection. Le zombie, c’est moi.

Michael Singman-Aste
Postdiluvian Photo

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2 responses to “The Impending Zombie Apocalypse”

  1. Alana Dill says:

    Michael, I’d be glad to paint you and your whole family up as a zombie horde if you like. I’ve painted at a couple of zombie events and am developing my skill with prosthetics.

    Does the zombierobics class have a chain saw practice session? Because that would be really helpful.

    I’m working on a Thrill the World fundraiser plan for Saturday October 23 (after the Otis Carnival) – 4 pm on Webster Street. Keep your eyeballs peeled for further info.

    btw – I only allow myself 1 zombie flick per year. The nightmares are too intense for my taste. For me the worst is recurring tsunami dreams… I”ve had them forever.


  2. […] forehead left-handed at 25 yards. Keep that in mind when you’re choosing your team for the zombie apocalypse. How would I know that? I took a zombie-themed handgun safety course, […]

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